Building Self-Confidence

It's amazing how much confidence has to do with ability, popularity and attraction.

AS WE THINK, SO SHALL WE BE

If we believe ourselves to be unattractive, we will appear unattractive. If we believe that we are not important, we will treat ourselves poorly. In addition, we will let others treat us poorly, and we will suffer alot of emotional turmoil because of it. We then find ourselves in patterns of abuse and neglect (and self-abuse and neglect), and we wonder why. If we lack confidence, we lack conviction. We become doormats. People will treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Very often, all this goes on unbeknownst to us, deep in our unconscious minds, below the surface. Although we may know that "something" isn't right, we're not quite sure what it is, why we feel so powerless all the time, why we feel so frustrated. In order to change our perceptions of ourselves, and what we feel we deserve in life, we need to increase our confidence level.

So how do we increase our confidence? Simply by practicing! If we do something often enough, it becomes second nature to us. In order to change the habits of a lifetime, we need to actively work at reprogramming our minds, repeatedly replacing old, negative thoughts with new, positive thoughts. It is a process, and will not be achieved overnight. But if we keep at it, eventually we'll forget that we were ever lacking in confidence.

We are often our own worst critics, being so much harder on ourselves than anyone else is (or has been in the past). We are also so much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else in our lives!

With others, we often have a wealth of compassion and forgiveness, supporting them through the difficult times of their lives, laughing with them in good times, crying with them in sad times. We console them when they "screw up", without judging or scolding. We simply encourage them to try again, citing all of the reasons we believe in them.

But do we do that with ourselves? Not most of us! We expect so much more from ourselves. We expect perfection, and we will accept no less. We can become downright vicious with ourselves, beating ourselves up over the tiniest infraction. Is that fair? I don't think so.

Reprogramming

When you "fail" at something, or otherwise do something to displease yourself, take a moment to notice the onslaught of negativity that follows it - and do something to counteract it. When you feel those awful thoughts coming on - you know the ones: "I'm so stupid, I can never do anything right. Why am I such a loser? No one will ever love me; I'm such a screw-up. I'm no good. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm disgusting. I'm weak, I have no willpower, I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a fat, lonely slob . . ." RIGHT THEN - stop yourself, and ask yourself if any of those things are really true. If possible, get to a mirror right away, and really look at yourself. (if you can't get to a mirror, at least turn your attention inward) Think about those thoughts you were just having. Are they factual? Hopefully, you will see that they are not, and then you can begin reprogramming. Look at yourself, really see yourself, the true person you are (aside from your physical appearance), and correct the statements you just thought about yourself.

For example, your monologue (silent or aloud, depending on where you are) might go something like this: "I am NOT a loser. Just because I made a mistake, it doesn't mean I'm a total screw-up. I'm human, and humans are bound to make mistakes. I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else! Besides, how bad was this "screw-up" anyway? Did I hurt someone's feelings terribly? Have I done something irreparable?" (If you can repair what you've done - for example, if you've hurt someone, do what you can to make it right - apologize. Continue with your monologue, before or after.) "Well, it's done now, and there is no undoing it. All I can do is forgive myself, and go on from here, and try to do better next time. I forgive myself, and I remind myself that I am a beautiful person, and I love myself. I am special and important, and I really care about people. That shows when people look at me. I am kind, compassionate, and considerate of others, and those are qualities to be desired. I am not a bad person, I am not a loser, and I am not a screw-up. I am human. I have a good sense of humor, I am pretty, I am a good person at heart, and I admire the person I am." (please adjust this monologue to fit your own personal qualities -- but make sure that whatever you say is of a POSITIVE nature. Do not put yourself down, at all.)

Doing this repeatedly, whenever you have negative "episodes", should begin to have an effect on you, and should begin to positively change your self-image. It may happen almost unnoticed at first, and you may think that it's not working. But as time goes on, and as you persist in "reprogramming", your mind should, little by little, automatically begin challenging the negative statements you toss at yourself throughout your days. Before long, the negative messages will be overshadowed (and eventually obliterated) by the positive ones. Persistence is key -- keep at it, and you will be successful.

Now, if, when you asked yourself if those negative statements were true, you answered "yes", then you have alot more work to do! (But don't get discouraged, these things take time. There is always hope.) If you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say that you hate yourself, that you are worthless, that all of those horrible thoughts definitely apply to you, then I urge you to do some more inner work. Please see the Meditations for Health & Wellness section, and the Affirmations for Healthy Body Image section - doing those daily should help you immensely.

But in the meantime, just doing the reprogramming, whether you believe what you are saying to yourself or not, will have a positive effect on you! Even if you feel like you are lying when you compliment yourself, do it anyway. Look yourself in the face (in the mirror, or internally) and say nice things to yourself, and about yourself. Point out your assets rather than focusing on your "flaws". It may not seem to be working at first - remember that you are trying to reprogram years and years of negative influence. But eventually you will begin to believe the positive things you are saying about yourself, and you will begin to act accordingly (i.e. with more confidence).

Attraction

Believe it or not, when I am feeling attractive, good about myself, and confident, I seem to draw people to myself. There have been times when I've gone out with friends, where men (and women) seem to gravitate towards me. They are attracted by something in me, and often approach me. Conversely, when I am feeling self-conscious, or critical of myself, people don't give me a second glance. Now mind you, nothing is different about my physical appearance when these occurrences take place. I am still the same size, still wearing the same clothes, still doing my hair and makeup the same way. It is nothing about my physical appearance that draws or repels people to or from me. It is my inner light, my inner beauty that shines forth and draws people to me, like moths to a flame. I'm sure you can think of situations in your life where you have experienced the same thing.

On the other side of the coin, I've known some people that, while they were physically "unappealing", their personalities were such that I was immediately attracted to them, and hardly noticed what they looked like at all. Some of these people have become my dearest friends. I have also met some "beautiful" people, who were no such thing on the inside. Some physically attractive people, as soon as they open their mouths, make me want to slink away when I realize that they are not so beautiful on the inside.

I have come to realize that BEAUTY is not a physical quality at all. Far from it. Yes, a person may be visually pleasing, but as far as attraction goes, their physical appearance has nothing to do with it. Personality is everything.

Make the First Move

Picture this: you are at a party, and you don't know too many people there. You are currently by yourself, watching the activities going on around you. You want to join in the fun, but are unsure of yourself, and feel self conscious about approaching people. What do you do? Do you become a wallflower, or "couch flower", and shrink back into yourself, afraid to approach anyone? Or do you search for someone who seems interesting, stride up and say, "Hi, I'm .......", while extending your hand to them?

It can be daunting when we are feeling badly about ourselves, to think about approaching a stranger. What if they ignore us? What if they turn out to be a jerk? I have come to believe that people will respond to you in the same manner that you are feeling about yourself at the moment. If you are feeling confident and friendly, and approach someone to introduce yourself, they usually respond positively to you. If you feel too shy or awkward about approaching anyone, they most often will not approach you either.

If you feel awkward about what to say to a stranger, fall back on the "people love to talk about themselves" credo. Ask the person how they know the host/hostess. Ask them if they are from around that area. Compliment them on their outfit/hair/purse, etc. Show interest in them. The conversation topics are endless. If, after a few moments, you don't think the person is interested in talking with you, move on. You're not entering into a binding contract just by speaking with them. The absolute worst that can happen is that they'll ignore you. And if they do, remind yourself that they are not the kind of person you'd like to be acquainted with anyway. Move on to more worthy subjects.

Your Opinion Is The Only One That Counts

No matter how other people react to you, remember that they CANNOT change your opinion of yourself. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." How true is that? If you are proud of yourself, if you are confident, if you think highly of yourself, you will barely acknowledge others' opinions of you.

"Character is what you are when no one is looking." - I don't know who originally said that, but I find it to be very illuminating. If you concentrate on being a good person, if your morals are strong, if your intentions are pure, you will not really care what other people say or think about you. You will be happy with yourself, and that is all that will be truly important to you. Concentrate on becoming the ideal you. Do not let others' opinions or expectations sway you from your path. Follow your gut instincts, and you will not go wrong. Be yourself, and be PROUD to be yourself. You are a unique, wonderful, special person, and there was only ONE of you created. Make the most of that, and strive tirelessly toward your goals.

Likewise, do not strive to be like others, no matter how attractive you believe them to be. You can be a much better "you" than a copy of someone else. Take time to get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, your passions in life. Follow that aspect of yourself, and merge yourself with it. You are yourself, no matter how you try to disguise that fact. Go with it, and your destiny will unfold itself before you.